i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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