I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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