I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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