I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
pop tarts are not kleenex
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
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