Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i just google imaged poop.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
