Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
