I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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