why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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