I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
