that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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