The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
