I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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