I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
