Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
