the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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