So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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