Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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