if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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