Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
