oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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