I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
