Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I showed him my bush... on skype.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
