I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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