Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
