If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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