you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
