I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
