so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
