life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
