Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
