We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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