remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
