I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I seem to have left my pride at pride
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
They have beer where we have blood.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
