my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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