Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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