So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
