So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
