Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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