this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
