I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
How's work?
Spinning.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
