Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
