I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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