Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Found your dick twin last night
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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