the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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