I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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