apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
