I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
