put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
