Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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