he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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