apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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