ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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