A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
