my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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